The Not-So Mystery of the Missing Stethoscope
by Ms.TamborineMan
Summary: McCoy buys a 21st century stethoscope while on shore leave. Back on the ship, Kirk and Spock try it out while he's not there...K/S. Rated T for suggestive material. One shot.


"Bones!" Kirk called as the door slid open. He and Spock walked into Sickbay. "What's going on?"

"Nothing, it seems," Spock said, hands reined behind his back. The two looked into an empty room.

Kirk shook his head, turned to his first officer, and smiled. Without saying a word, he strode across the room and sat down on one of the patient beds. He patted the spot beside him and Spock, with the raising of his left eyebrow, Sat down next to him. Kirk made a very fake yawning noise and stretched his left arm over Spock's shoulders.

"When he comes in, we'll tell him that we're sick."

A raised eyebrow. "With what?"

"Scratch that." Said Kirk. "It will just be you. Let's say...you broke both of your legs and I had to carry you across the entire ship."

"_That_ seems plausible," he replied slowly, as if testing the words.

Kirk just looked at him.

"I was being...as you say..._'sarcastic.'_"

Kirk shook his head and chuckled. "You're going to have to work on that."

Kirk jumped to his feet and slid off the bed. A metallic glint on the counter caught his eye, and he walked over to it. There sat a strange object That looked a little like a dismantled clothes hanger with two plastic buds on one end and a shiny round metal piece on the other. Kirk picked it up and held it high for Spock to see.

"Ever seen anything like this, Spock?"

Spock shook his head. "Negative, Captain."

"McCoy got it last time he was on shore leave. He went crazy over it. Said it was from 21st century Earth." Kirk examined the object he held. "He told me they used these to measure people's hearts. What did he call it...a...setascope?"

Spock held out his hand. Kirk handed it to him. He flipped it over twice in his hands before holding the two black plastic bits up. "I think that these go in the ears." Carefully, he put it on and stood up, fiddling with the metal piece at the end.

"Try it on me," said Kirk eagerly, sitting back down. Spock looked at the end one last time and took a step toward him, aiming to place the round piece on Kirk's chest when-

"Wait." Kirk interjected. "this thing is old technology. It probably doesn't work if you have your shirt on."

"That would seem a likely hypothesis," said Spock. "It is, in fact, very old."

And so Kirk stripped off his shirt. Spock moved closer, placing on hand on the right side of his bare chest and the cool metal circle on the left.

"Well?" prompted Kirk after a minute.

Spock moved away. "Fascinating." He said, raising one eyebrow, as if impressed.

"Does it work?"

Spock nodded. "Very well, in fact. I can hear your heartbeat."

Kirk leaped up and tore it away from him. "I wonder if it works on Vulcans?" He said, smiling up at Spock.

Spock took this as a cue to sit down. Promptly, he took off his shirt as well, setting it next to Kirk's. Kirk put the device on and began to press the metal piece to his chest, but Spock caught his hand before he could. He moved it a little over the the left. "Here." He said.

He immediately smiled. "It-" he began, but after a brief moment, the smile instantly dropped. Kirk's hands flew out, grasping at Spock's chest. "Spock! Are you alright? I couldn't hear your..."

"The Vulcan heartbeat is a bit slower than the human." Spock said. "Were you not aware of that, Captain?"

Oh. Of course. Kirk shook his head, becoming suddenly aware that his hands Were on Spock's chest. His very hot, bare chest. Feeling suddenly turned on, Kirk stepped closer, sliding his arms up to his shoulders and finally around his neck. He smiled. "How could I not, Mr. Spock?"

"I am not the only one that needs to work on their sarcasm." Spock said, gazing up at him.

Kirk pulled into him and kissed him. The Vulcan's burning hands skimmed his torso, coming to rest on his side's before they broke apart. An unspoken understanding passed between them.

"Your quarters or mine?" Asked Spock.

"Mine."

* * *

McCoy returned to Sickbay at half past seventeen-hundred hours. He set down his glass of water on the first cabinet he came to and sighed. Man, had he left this place messy.

He was putting up a roll of gauze into a drawer when he realized that something was missing. Horrified, he tore open all the drawers, yanked open all the cabinets. It was nowhere to be found.

"God dammit!" He yelled to the empty room. Muttering, he slammed the nearest cabinet closed.

Somebody had taken it. Had to be. He cursed again.

Shaking his head, he muttered, "Must have been one of those damned redshirts." Muttering, he began closing all the drawers. He stopped when he spotted the security camera in the corner.

He _would_ find the bastard that took his stethoscope.

McCoy went over to the wall and pressed the button there. 'McCoy to Bridge."

"Bridge. Kirk here."

"Put me over to Spock."

"Acknowledged." Kirk drawled in an overly exaggerated causal tone. McCoy rolled his eyes.

A second passed, then: "Spock here."

"Hey, Spock. This is McCoy. I need you to send me the security tapes from Sickbay of 12:00 to 17:30."

"Acknowledged. I will send them over." A pause. "May I ask why, doctor?"

"I've been stolen from, you nosy green-blooded hobgoblin!" McCoy exclaimed. After a moment's silence in which Spock did not reply, McCoy added a gruff, "Uh, Thanks," and turned the communication off.

Seconds later he received a readable. Quickly he snatched it up and inserted it into the computer.

"Well, we'll see, won't we?" he muttered to himself. He started watching from 12:00, fast-forwarding once he watched himself leave the room. At 12:30 Chapel walked in, poked around, and left. The stethoscope remained where he left it, on the counter, gleaming under the lights. It sat there, as pretty as you please, for two more hours that he skimmed through. At 14:30, Spock and Kirk entered the room.

McCoy shook his head. It couldn't have been them-he knew that Kirk had been looking for him earlier for something. He skipped past another thirty minutes, and sure enough, they were gone...but so was his stethoscope.

He sat up and set it back to 14:30. Play.

14:30. Spock and Kirk enter.

14:31. Kirk and Spock sit down on the patient bed.

14:32. Kirk gets up and picks up the stethoscope, seeming very engrossed with his structure. He shows it to Spock.

14:33. Spock has the stethoscope and Kirk...has his shirt off?!

McCoy couldn't help but snort a laugh. _Surely_ they didn't _actually_ think that they needed to take their shirts off to get a reading. Where was the logic in that? But apparently there was some sort of logic in the idea that McCoy wasn't aware of, because by 14:34 they_ both_ had their shirts off. He smiled and shook his head. He couldn't wait to bring this up. Spock was never going to live this one down.

His smile dropped as soon as Kirk's hands came to Spock's chest. What the hell...? Was Jim doing what he thought he was...?

Yes, he was.

"Good God!" McCoy exclaimed, nearly choking on the air he was breathing. He thought he was going to be sick. Jim was sucking on the Vulcan's face like the sodium vampire-like creature that they'd encountered a year ago.

Thankfully it wasn't long, only a minute or so. But that was only replaced by a worse horror, because by 14:37 they were gone, and had taken the stethoscope with them.

Only God knew what they had done with that thing.

McCoy barely made it to the toilet in time.

* * *

"McCoy to Bridge."

"Bridge. Kirk here." Kirk chirped.

A heavy breath. "I need you and your Vulcan down here. Immediately."

"_My_ Vulcan?" Kirk asked. At this, Spock turned around.

"Your first officer. Your Vulcan._ Spock_. Whatever. Get your asses down here."

"What for?" asked Kirk slowly, eyes narrowing slightly in wariness.

"A mental evaluation." McCoy said, voice dripping with venom.

He and Spock exchanged a look. Kirk's eyebrows furrowed. He shook his head. "We are perfectly sane, Doctor."

"Fine then. If you won't take the hint, perhaps I should share with the entire Bridge who the crooks were that stole my stethoscope!"

"Your...what? Bones, I don't know what you're-"

"Jim," Spock interjected. "Let's go."

He just looked at him for a second, surprised by his urgency. He had used his first name _and_ a contraction. In the same sentence! Something had to be up.

"Alright, we're coming." Kirk conceded. 'Kirk out."

* * *

"What do you need us for, Bones?" asked Kirk as he walked in.

McCoy slammed his fist down on a computer button. "This." he growled.

When Kirk saw the picture, his mouth immediately dropped open. Spock's face remained calm, emotionless, as if he had been expecting this.

"Explain." McCoy demanded.

Kirk cleared his throat. "Well." Ran a hand through his hair. "We...uh..." Looked at Spock. "...Wanted to see if it worked."

"Rest assured, doctor," Spock said, coming to the rescue. "We removed it before engaging in sexual-"

"Stop!" McCoy yelled, throwing up his hands. "No! I don't want to hear about it. God!" He shook his head and crossed his arms. "I just want my damn stethoscope back. Do you know how much I paid for that thing?!"

"Well, I'd estimate that it cost around-"

"No, don't. Please." McCoy leaned back in his seat and took a deep breath. "All I know is that I paid too much for it to be used as a damned sex toy."

"God, Bones!" Kirk exclaimed in horror. "How could we use your setascope as a sex toy?!"

"_Stetho_scope." McCoy grumbled. "And I don't know. The two of you are pretty creative."

"Creativity is a human quality-" Spock began, but McCoy cut him off again.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever. I just want my stethoscope back. _And_ I want it washed."

"My god, Bones!" Jim exclaimed. "We didn't do anything with it, I swear!"

"I can assure you that it is perfectly clean, doctor." Spock said, voice raised.

McCoy shot him a death glare.

"...Nevertheless, we will wash it."

"Good. Get out of my sight. You two are making me queasy again." He waved his hand, motioning for them to leave. Kirk put one hand on Spock's back and turned him toward the door, still muttering and shaking his head.

"Oh," McCoy said, just as they were leaving, "I wanted to let you two know that you didn't have to strip off all your damn clothes to get the stethoscope to work."

Both of their heads whipped around. He reveled in the slight green that tinted Spock's cheeks.

"We'll keep that in mind next time, Bones," Kirk said, shooting Spock a mischievous grin.

"What are you talking about, next time?!" McCoy shouted as the door slid closed. "Maybe I _should_ give you a mental evaluation!"


End file.
